The one good thing about going to the hospital is coming home is really wonderful! I appreciate the little things and don't dread the silly things in quite the same way. For ex., typicaly at say 5 ot 6pm I'm in full Mommy mode trying to get the kids bathed, fed, and ready for bed at 7...which usually ends up being 8! I often feel like I'm racing but LOL - who am I racing? Tonight despite being sleep deprived and exhausted beyond repair - the art of making dinner seemed quite mellow and dare I say enjoyable? The incessant, "I'm hungry... no not THAT again..." and typical musings from my lovely Noah were sounding extraordinarily cute! I was not miffed that I burned the fish (no real surprise) or that my angel Cason seems to be reaching that "T" for trouble phase where every step is a step towards Danger! He has a way of finding cords, sharp objects, and other dangerous "things..." within a matter of seconds and he can bump his head on just about anything even when he has my full attention! But... while the boys played and Cecily happily sat in her princess chair (I believe she seriously missed her throne" ... I just smiled. I was so happy to be back in the buzz of our house. I was so happy to be surrounded by my parents and the chatter of the day. It was not mundane. It was not boring. The chores felt more fun that work and I didn't even mind cleaning up post dinner despire the sleep deprivation. I felt oddly FREE!
I guess after multiple days of being glued to Cecily's side in her hospital bed has provided my glasses that lovely rosey hue and I only hope that this time I don't let the color fade under the glare of work, silly drama or even the stress I often create for myself with Cecily's Closet.
Like every stay at Children's Hospital I exit enlightened. I see families that are just embarking on the joy of g-tube feedings. I see the fear and anxiety and it reminds me of when Cecily's tube was first placed. I see children that have long roads ahead of them and I can see the weight on their parent's faces. I paced the hospital endlessly this visit holding Cecily and pushing her IV pole up and down every floor - from Med Surg to the Surgical Suites - to the Cafeteria and anywhere I was permitted to go - inside, outside, healing gardens etc. What did we see? We saw pain, stress, patients in all states of disarray but we saw plenty of smiles, too. I think the gift of having a child that has to fight for everything is the gift of appreciation for the simple things. This hospital stay was not easy. There were moments when I held back tears, anger, frustration and fear. But... those feelings help to shape how we will carry on at home. They will help to shape the priorities we place on "stuff" and "work" and the ever important balancing act.
It's easy to complain. It's harder to admit that you're not perfect. That you make lots of mistakes. But that you're ok and you're human and tomorrow will be another chance to be the person who want to be.
What's important tonight. Cecily is home! The family is back together. I just hope she can get some sleep - and me, too!
Onwards and upwards!