After a rough start to 2012 - the Doctors decided that we'd tried everything we could do at home and it was time to admit Cecily so they could run some more tests and rule out anything major that could be causing her such distress. It is hard to see our happy little girl scream in pain and to have no idea what is causing it! Normally I blame her GERD... but this time I wasn't so sure because with the absence of her Topamax we've seen some new and exciting (and some not so exciting) developmental and behavioral stuff happening at home. Could it be that the Topamax had masked a lot of Cecily's pain and she is now experiencing her world in a much more instense and likely overwhelming way? Or is her tummy trouble to blame for the increased episodes of pain? Oh how I wish I had the answers and the magic meds to make her feel better. What made this even more confusing as a parent was these episodes would often be flanked by periods of normalcy or even great new developments! She is always keeping us on our toes!
I decided to write this blog tonight because I'm always positive and today I found myself looking everywhere for the silver lining and I couldn't find it. I was having "one of those days"... Cecily refused to sit in her crib, or to sit anywhere except in my arms - and I had to be standing! Yes, she is a princess but how do I refuse my little angel when she needs me most? Today I found myself more tired, more exhausted and more stressed than usual. There were a few times when I just had to put Cecily down in the crib and let her cry a little because my increasingly pregnant belly and back were about to break. (And for those of you that know me well you know I can't stand to do that!) I just needed a rest and I was feeling very guilty for that fact because I am 100% sure that Cecily's pain is 10x what I was feeling and it is not about ME! So why am I writing this? Because I always promised to write this blog with honesty and today is one of those days where the Mom i wanted to me was lost to the Mom I was...
She is now sleeping. I prayed for this all day. Please, please let her sleep. For the last few days we have been up all night - and I don't mean that as an exaggeration. Cecily has been waking upwards of 8x a night and we have been unable to calm her down. It kills me to see her in pain and it kills me even more when she won't calm to me. (Normally - even on her roughest days Mommy seems to help.) These last few days I felt useless.
And as I am about to put my head on the pillow my normal "the glass is half-full self" is finding the silver lining. We got to visit with 3 of our favorite nurses - Stacey, Katie and Amanda! We were treated to an outdoor visit from the SD Zoo where Cecily was inches away from amazing animals, and best of all... she is sleeping! She is not in pain. She is in good hands. And I will learn to forgive myself because I know I wasn't my best self today... but there is always tomorrow!
Onwards and upwards!