I look back at everything Cecily has overcome and I know that this too shall pass. She is a fighter. She is our angel. She is in pain and she is reaching out and we just need to fight even harder to reach her. We can't give up or get stressed or walk away. We need to dive in full force and show her that we are here and we believe in her. We think that her limited communication skills (improving all the time) are starting to frustrate her and that our choices for her (we try our very best) are clearly not the choices she would make if she could articulate her needs. We try to do our best for Cecily everyday but there are days when I wonder if we're doing the right things... are we pushing too hard? or are we not pushing enough? Are we expecting too much? Or are we not expecting enough? I wish someone would knock on the door and give me all the secrets to Cecily. (I'll settle for just one or two!)
I love my little girl to pieces. She inspires me every day to work hard, do more, try harder, appreciate everything, give more, be more, and to never, ever give-up. But... and this is the but I am not proud of... there are days when I fall far short. There are days when I wish I was not nursing so I could have a big glass of wine, take a bath and ignore the screaming. There are days when I just feel frozen and more like a robot than a Mommy. I find myself going through the motions but the joy is missing. But I am lucky! On these rare days I remember how lucky I am to have a family that stands by me during these challenging times and pulls me through. We allow ourselves to be honest and to voice our pain and worry and concern. Together we will pull through. It takes a small army to ensure Cecily gets her needs met and reluctantly I am accepting the help because I know it is what we both need.
I am currently watching Cecily watch Curious George. For some reason the Jack Johnson movie is calming to her and I decided that tonight it was ok to watch the whole thing... I needed a break and I felt she needed it, too. She is so calm and happy. (Cason is sleeping and Noah and Daddy are skating...)She loves the monkey and she is happy to be sitting next to me, fully engaged in the movie (while standing! - we're still sneaking in therapy...) and she looks precious. She is giving me a big, goofy smile and she nods her head when I ask her if she is happy. Isn't this what we strive for? At the end of the day I just want my angel and her big and little brother to be happy.
I will learn to give myself a break and to accept that I am not always the Mom I wish I could be. I will be better. I will take big deep breaths and I will hold Cecily's hand and wrap it with socks and tape if I have to... to keep her safe and to prevent her from hurting herself. I love her. Will there be more tantrums tomorrow? Yes. And the day after? Most likely. Will I have one too? I think so... but it will be ok! We have family.
Onwards and upwards!