Siblings Have Special Needs Too!
After the birth of Cecily we were slowly faced with a growing list of demands on our time. One of our biggest concerns was ensuring that Cecily's big brother was not feeling left behind. As with the birth of any new family member, we made a fuss over big brother. We ensured he knew that despite the new addition to the family, Mommy and Daddy still had plenty of time for him. However, as the weeks and months progressed - we had to start making some changes to our schedule. Weekly trips to the zoo and Legoland were a lot harder to negotiate with a second child. Then came the speed bumps! Our first hospital admission threw our son for a loop. Mom and Cecily were gone - and when would they be coming back? While he was only two at the time we could see how it was impacting him. Then we were blessed with another baby, and we had to ensure everyone felt seen, heard, and loved.
Here's some stuff we try to do - but we are still learning!
1) Always say I love you! I have special words that I only reserve for Noah. It's his way of knowing Mommy thinks he is special and it reminds him that I think he's the best little boy in the world. It's my own way of saying I love him - on top of all the hugs, kisses and I love yous!!
2) Ask how your child is feeling and help your child express all of his or her feelings, the good, the bad and the ugly! This is hard but art, social stories and pretending to "switch roles" can help. The best thing I've discovered is asking Noah to pretend to be Mommy. I pretend to be Noah during this exercise! It really helps me figure out what he is thinking and it is fun - and sometimes very eye opening. I've learned a lot about how he perceives me and my role as Mommy. We thank Noah for sharing his feelings and we don't get upset if he is angry - as long as he is not aggressive to anyone or anything. It lets him know his feelings are valid and that we care.
3) Don't expect help - but appreciate it! Noah loves to help! He is always two feet behind me (or sometimes ahead of me) when he thinks Cecily needs something. I try and tell him he does not have to help, but if he wants to help that is ok! We don't want him to feel like he has to help me if he would rather play with his cars... But for now, I'm happy to have my little assistant. I think the key is to let them help, but don't overburden them or get upset if the A+ helper decides he is sick of it!
4) Don't blame the "other" child for not being able to do something! You're probably thinking you never would do this... but sometimes it slips out in ways that you never intended it to! For example, let's say you can't go to the park because you forgot to charge the battery for your child's feeding pump. While it might make sense to explain to your child that you can't go to the park because of your mistake - he or she may interpret this as putting your child with special needs first. This simple honest answer could build a lifetime of resentment. In short, we try never to relate the special care Cecily needs to something Noah can't do!
5) Take time for one on one fun! Noah and Mommy used to go on so many fun dates before Cecily arrived. Then life changed. We had to take a big step back and start scheduling these dates to ensure they still happened. Noah looks forward to these activities and he knows he will get special time with just Mommy or Daddy. It does not have to be a big event! Noah said he had the best trip ever when we just went to CVS and then the yogurt store... (he did get gummy bears...)
Here's some additional information that we have gathered about helping special siblings feel equally special!
Check out About.com: Special Needs Children! Everything I ever wanted to know and more is captured on this great site. There is an entire section dedicated to Sibling Issues. This site contains books, videos and more! It is written by Terri Mauro, a mom with two special needs children. Her blog is an inspriation and a great learning tool. I could never replicate all of her great information. Just check it out, sign up and learn a lot!
Some of our favorite articles:
Special Needs Siblings Have Special Needs Too
Teaching Your Child About Peers with Special Needs
And a great place for more books! Special Needs Project is a place to get child development textbooks, books about aspergers syndrome, autism, and other disabilities. Located in Santa Barbara, California, SNP serves families, professionals, agencies and schools worldwide with the largest, most authoritative collection of disability-related materials.
Here's some stuff we try to do - but we are still learning!
1) Always say I love you! I have special words that I only reserve for Noah. It's his way of knowing Mommy thinks he is special and it reminds him that I think he's the best little boy in the world. It's my own way of saying I love him - on top of all the hugs, kisses and I love yous!!
2) Ask how your child is feeling and help your child express all of his or her feelings, the good, the bad and the ugly! This is hard but art, social stories and pretending to "switch roles" can help. The best thing I've discovered is asking Noah to pretend to be Mommy. I pretend to be Noah during this exercise! It really helps me figure out what he is thinking and it is fun - and sometimes very eye opening. I've learned a lot about how he perceives me and my role as Mommy. We thank Noah for sharing his feelings and we don't get upset if he is angry - as long as he is not aggressive to anyone or anything. It lets him know his feelings are valid and that we care.
3) Don't expect help - but appreciate it! Noah loves to help! He is always two feet behind me (or sometimes ahead of me) when he thinks Cecily needs something. I try and tell him he does not have to help, but if he wants to help that is ok! We don't want him to feel like he has to help me if he would rather play with his cars... But for now, I'm happy to have my little assistant. I think the key is to let them help, but don't overburden them or get upset if the A+ helper decides he is sick of it!
4) Don't blame the "other" child for not being able to do something! You're probably thinking you never would do this... but sometimes it slips out in ways that you never intended it to! For example, let's say you can't go to the park because you forgot to charge the battery for your child's feeding pump. While it might make sense to explain to your child that you can't go to the park because of your mistake - he or she may interpret this as putting your child with special needs first. This simple honest answer could build a lifetime of resentment. In short, we try never to relate the special care Cecily needs to something Noah can't do!
5) Take time for one on one fun! Noah and Mommy used to go on so many fun dates before Cecily arrived. Then life changed. We had to take a big step back and start scheduling these dates to ensure they still happened. Noah looks forward to these activities and he knows he will get special time with just Mommy or Daddy. It does not have to be a big event! Noah said he had the best trip ever when we just went to CVS and then the yogurt store... (he did get gummy bears...)
Here's some additional information that we have gathered about helping special siblings feel equally special!
Check out About.com: Special Needs Children! Everything I ever wanted to know and more is captured on this great site. There is an entire section dedicated to Sibling Issues. This site contains books, videos and more! It is written by Terri Mauro, a mom with two special needs children. Her blog is an inspriation and a great learning tool. I could never replicate all of her great information. Just check it out, sign up and learn a lot!
Some of our favorite articles:
Special Needs Siblings Have Special Needs Too
Teaching Your Child About Peers with Special Needs
And a great place for more books! Special Needs Project is a place to get child development textbooks, books about aspergers syndrome, autism, and other disabilities. Located in Santa Barbara, California, SNP serves families, professionals, agencies and schools worldwide with the largest, most authoritative collection of disability-related materials.
