There are days when I sit in my chair and wonder what I want... what do I really want for my kids. It is a simple question but one I ponder ALL the time lately as I beat myself up about doing too much... or the exact opposite... not enough. What is wrong with me? I always wonder if I'm pushing too hard. Or, if I'm not pushing hard enough. With Noah, I want to challenge him and engage him in his environment. With Cecily, I want to challenger her and engage her in her enviornment. No Difference! But why am I constantly feeling like I'm trying to fit Cecily into Noah's box. Feeding... a pleasurable experience for most of us but torture for Cecily.
I was invited to a quilting group (a delightful bunch of woman that make a big difference to young pregnant teens in the community!) so I was going to miss dinner tonight. I enjoy sitting around the table so I decided to give Noah a treat and Cecily some ice cream so we could still have table time and Cecily could get some oral feeding in before I had to leave. She wanted no part of it. She just wanted to sit and watch him eat. Noah turns and says to me, "Cecily is going to be weak." I feel a flush of frustration building so I calmly ask why he would say that... it is not very nice and it is very odd for Noah to say something not supportive. He responds, "She is not eating. Ans she never wants to eat. She only has milk. Mom it hurts her and it is just going to come back up her throat. Let her have her milk."
I realize he WAS being supportive. He wanted me to back off of his little sister and let her chill. Am I trying to make her do something she does not want to do? Or am I helping her achieve an important step that will make her overall healthier, happier and more independant? I honestly don't know. I just keep hearing Noah's voice..."It hurts her; let her have her milk!"
So because beating myself up is the theme of the week I decide to obsess on sing language... Noah was telling his friends today that his baby does sign language. I love that he calls Cecily "his baby". She's MY sister after all. So cute... We have been doing sign language for fun and for routine activites to help set Cecily's expectations. Last week she had a play date and the Mom and daughter signed quite a bit. Queue SURGE of guilt... Am I signing enough? Shouldn't I know more signs right now? Should I be taking classes with Cecily? Oh how I wish this feeling would go away. I just need to know I am doing my best and that is all one can hope for, right?
Cecily is happy. Cecily is loved. Noah is very happy and if I had a penny for every belly laugh he provided we would not only be happy we would be rich! The blame game, the second guessing every move, the inability to just take "a break" without feeling guilty must END.
And so I'll end this post with Cecily's favorite song. I love it, too. It is from the co-founder of Signing Times - a constant fixture in our house. I find even on our toughest days this song can make us all cry - but in a GOOD way! It is a great reminder that every day may not be easy... but we're going to be just fine. Onwards and upwards
The Good by Signing Times, Rachel Coleman
It was you and me and the whole world right before us
I couldn’t wait to start
I saw you and dreams just like everyone before us
We thought we knew what we got
And then one day I thought it slipped away
And I looked to my hands to hold on
And then one day all my fear slipped away
And my hands did so much more
So maybe we won’t find easy
But, baby, we’ve found the good
No, maybe we won’t find easy
But, baby, we’ve found the good!
It was you and me and a new world right before us
I was so scared to start
I saw you and dreams just like everyone before us
But how did they move so far?
And then one day I thought it slipped away
And I looked to my hands to hold you
And then one day all my fear slipped away
And my hands did so much more
So maybe we won’t find easy
But, baby, we’ve found the good
Maybe we won’t find easy
But, baby, we’ve found the good!
I was invited to a quilting group (a delightful bunch of woman that make a big difference to young pregnant teens in the community!) so I was going to miss dinner tonight. I enjoy sitting around the table so I decided to give Noah a treat and Cecily some ice cream so we could still have table time and Cecily could get some oral feeding in before I had to leave. She wanted no part of it. She just wanted to sit and watch him eat. Noah turns and says to me, "Cecily is going to be weak." I feel a flush of frustration building so I calmly ask why he would say that... it is not very nice and it is very odd for Noah to say something not supportive. He responds, "She is not eating. Ans she never wants to eat. She only has milk. Mom it hurts her and it is just going to come back up her throat. Let her have her milk."
I realize he WAS being supportive. He wanted me to back off of his little sister and let her chill. Am I trying to make her do something she does not want to do? Or am I helping her achieve an important step that will make her overall healthier, happier and more independant? I honestly don't know. I just keep hearing Noah's voice..."It hurts her; let her have her milk!"
So because beating myself up is the theme of the week I decide to obsess on sing language... Noah was telling his friends today that his baby does sign language. I love that he calls Cecily "his baby". She's MY sister after all. So cute... We have been doing sign language for fun and for routine activites to help set Cecily's expectations. Last week she had a play date and the Mom and daughter signed quite a bit. Queue SURGE of guilt... Am I signing enough? Shouldn't I know more signs right now? Should I be taking classes with Cecily? Oh how I wish this feeling would go away. I just need to know I am doing my best and that is all one can hope for, right?
Cecily is happy. Cecily is loved. Noah is very happy and if I had a penny for every belly laugh he provided we would not only be happy we would be rich! The blame game, the second guessing every move, the inability to just take "a break" without feeling guilty must END.
And so I'll end this post with Cecily's favorite song. I love it, too. It is from the co-founder of Signing Times - a constant fixture in our house. I find even on our toughest days this song can make us all cry - but in a GOOD way! It is a great reminder that every day may not be easy... but we're going to be just fine. Onwards and upwards
The Good by Signing Times, Rachel Coleman
It was you and me and the whole world right before us
I couldn’t wait to start
I saw you and dreams just like everyone before us
We thought we knew what we got
And then one day I thought it slipped away
And I looked to my hands to hold on
And then one day all my fear slipped away
And my hands did so much more
So maybe we won’t find easy
But, baby, we’ve found the good
No, maybe we won’t find easy
But, baby, we’ve found the good!
It was you and me and a new world right before us
I was so scared to start
I saw you and dreams just like everyone before us
But how did they move so far?
And then one day I thought it slipped away
And I looked to my hands to hold you
And then one day all my fear slipped away
And my hands did so much more
So maybe we won’t find easy
But, baby, we’ve found the good
Maybe we won’t find easy
But, baby, we’ve found the good!
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